


Like a Fucking Plane Crash

by QueenKatelynTheAristocrat



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Fluff, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, NOT incest thank you very much, Religion, Sad, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24272509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenKatelynTheAristocrat/pseuds/QueenKatelynTheAristocrat
Summary: “Do you think she’s in heaven?” he asked, with his big blue eyes trained on me like I held all the secrets of the goddamn universe, and like I wasn’t some nearly high school senior trying to keep his family -- such as it were -- from falling the fuck apart. Like he trusted me.Fuck.He was still looking at me. Do I tell him the truth?Also known as: a journey of angst and fluff 100% inspired by Helena feels.
Relationships: Gerard Way & Mikey Way
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Like a Fucking Plane Crash

**Author's Note:**

> Age gap between Gerard and Mikey has been widened just a bit for effect: just a warning. <3

We were outside. He was sitting beside me. My little brother. He looked so fucking sad. I wasn’t sure what to do with him, because he’d never looked this sad before. He’d never had a reason to. 

A fucking tragedy. All of it. 

We were outside because that’s where I found him. It was midnight or two in the morning or something like that, who even fucking knows anymore, and he’d been sleeping in my room, just like he had every fucking day since the funeral, not that it had been many days yet, and when I’d woken up from a dream or a nightmare he’d been gone. So naturally, I’d immediately gone into a panic. 

But when I thought rationally for a moment, I realized I knew where he was. He’d be outside, looking at the fucking stars again. And sure enough. 

So that’s how we got there. I just wasn’t sure what the fuck we were going to do after that. What do you even  _ say  _ to a kid when he looks like that? 

It was summertime. Not that we were enjoying it. All I knew was at least I didn’t have to drag him -- and myself, fucking Hell -- to school in the morning, not yet, and it didn’t matter if he slept in until noon and stayed up crying at odd hours of the night. And we wouldn’t freeze to death sitting out here in the grass. 

We were still staying at Grandma’s house. Even though it wasn’t really Grandma’s house anymore. Cause she wasn’t there to claim it anymore. I wasn’t sure how much longer we’d be able to stay there, cause fucking  _ Hell  _ I was seventeen and they weren’t gonna let me stay there alone with my twelve year old brother, never mind that we were worse off back with our parents. 

At least Grandma left the house to me. So even if they did make us go back I could leave as soon as I was eighteen, but only if they let me take him with me. I wasn’t leaving him with our parents alone. That was for damn sure. 

Sure, some nights I imagined running away. All alone, out in the world, starting over. But those were just dreams. And they were selfish. And I would never leave him behind. He was my  _ little brother. _

And he’d die there all alone. 

But none of that mattered. Because right at that moment we were together, and he was sad -- but he wasn’t crying, for the first time in days, which seemed like an improvement -- and he just kept looking at the stars like they might have some goddamn answers, and I wasn’t sure what kind of answers he wanted from them. 

They were surprisingly clear that night. The moon was full, and the stars were sparkling. There was a soft breeze, but we were so deep in the New Jersey summer that it wasn’t even chilly. Just warm. Comfortably warm. What a fucking joke. 

We were far enough away from Grandma’s --  _ the  _ \-- house, that the only light was from above, but my eyes had adjusted pretty quickly. Maybe I was getting  _ used  _ to finding my baby brother crying out in the goddamn backyard. 

“Gee?” he asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. 

“What’s up?” I asked, and I tried to sound calm, steady, like a fucking  _ adult,  _ like I wasn’t also five seconds from breaking down, but I fucking doubt I succeeded. 

“Do you think she’s in heaven?” he asked, with his big blue eyes trained on me like I held all the secrets of the goddamn universe, and like I wasn’t some nearly high school senior trying to keep his family -- such as it were -- from falling the fuck apart. Like he trusted me.   
_Fuck._

He was still looking at me. Do I tell him the truth? 

“You know I don’t believe in that shit, Mikes.” I told him, but softly, because I hated to kill the hope in his eyes and I didn’t want to watch him fucking cry  _ again.  _

He looked away, but down at the ground this time instead of the stars, and I fucking hated myself, but I just couldn’t bring myself to lie to him. Not about this. 

He was sitting with his legs crossed and he was pulling up grass, mechanically, like he didn’t even realize he was doing it, and making a pile by his knee. I wanted to hug him but I wasn’t sure if he would push me away and I just couldn’t take that. Not right then. 

“Yeah, I know.” he said, eventually.

“Why do you ask?” I said, wondering if it wouldn’t be better just to drop it. 

“Cause the other kids. What they said about her.” Mikey said, and he stopped pulling up the grass. Instead, he laced his fingers together and he squeezed, his knuckles turning white, and that’s what he did when he was trying not to cry, and I knew it.

“What did they say?” because I had to ask. 

“People like us don’t go to Heaven.” and he sounded so bitter. So fucking angry. So fucking  _ sad  _ and like he had no idea what to do with it. 

I wished  _ I  _ knew what to do with it. Other than I wished I could punch those little pricks in the face. 

“What, because we don’t go to their fucking church?” I asked, and I knew I shouldn’t, just like they said I shouldn’t swear in front of him, but what did they know? The world was fucking ugly and it wasn’t like he didn’t already know it. Not like I could hide it from him. 

“Because we don’t go to church, and we don’t wear nice clothes like them, and we go to school smelling like your stupid cigarettes, and our parents don’t love us.” Mikey said, and he was so  _ angry.  _

But not at me. At least I hoped not. 

And he was  _ right,  _ the little shit, he was too smart. Why couldn’t he have said something that I could have told him was wrong? 

“I’m sorry, Mikey.” I said, and I hated when people said that, but I didn’t know what the fuck else to say. 

He looked at me. His eyes were red again. “Don’t be sorry, Gee, it’s not  _ your  _ fault.” he paused for a second. “Well, except the cigarettes. That is your fault.” 

I almost laughed. I didn’t. We were quiet for a while. 

I thought we were done, but then he said, “Where do you think she is, then?” 

_ Fucking nowhere. It’s just like those shitty kids say, Mikey, people like us don’t go to Heaven. People like us just disappear.  _

“How the fuck should I know?” I said. 

He looked back up at the stars. “I read somewhere that people used to think that when you died you became a star. I found one that looks like her, I think.” 

Oh,  _ Mikey.  _

“Which one is it?” I asked. I was  _ not  _ going to cry. 

He pointed to one. I tried to follow his gaze, but when he saw that wasn’t working he moved right up next to me and grabbed my arm and pointed my finger at the sky and tried to get close enough to my point of view to make it point at exactly the one he wanted. 

“Do you see it?” he asked, once he was satisfied. 

“There are a lot of fucking stars, Mikes.” 

“This one looks  _ different.  _ It  _ feels  _ different. Look closer.” he sounded so fucking hopeful. 

I looked closer. I lowered my arm back down, but I kept my eyes trained on the place where he’d pointed it. I squinted my eyes, stared at each one individually, and I tried to find one that he would say looks like Grandma. 

They all looked the fucking same to me. 

“I think I see it, Mikey.” I was  _ not  _ going to fucking cry. 

“Yeah?” he fucking  _ trusted  _ me. I could hear it. 

I was  _ not  _ going to  _ fucking  _ cry. 

“Yeah.” I said, and maybe I did. Maybe it was that one, that he meant. The one off to the side of all the others, a little ways apart. If I thought about it, it looked like it shined a little brighter than the others. 

I didn’t even know if it was the same fucking star. 

He stayed close to me. Like he was asking for comfort but getting too old to just  _ ask _ for it. 

What the fuck was I going to do with him when he got into Middle School? High School? 

_ Fuck.  _

A plane went by. Right in front of the star I was looking at. That we were looking at. Maybe. 

“I wish we were on it.” Mikey said, quietly. 

I imagined we were. Or better, I imagined that I was the plane, and he was another one beside me. Both of us flying directly up to that star. But somehow I knew that we would never get there. 

Another plane crossed the sky, flying in the opposite direction. From way down there, it looked like it was dead on heading for the other plane. Like they were just going to fucking crash and exlode in a ball of fucking fire and death and misery. I held my breath as they approached each other, and I think Mikey did, too.

They passed safely, of course. They probably weren’t nearly as close as they looked. But I imagined what it would have looked like if they’d crashed into each other, both of them going down, the boom I would hear when they hit the ground. 

I imagined we were planes again and another plane was heading directly for us. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get us turned around, and they weren’t going to stop, and they were going to hit us. I tried to push him over so they’d only hit me instead. 

“I wish we were, too.” I said, and he was fucking crying again. 

And  _ fuck  _ it, I was, too. 

I hugged him, and he must’ve been fucking waiting for me to, because he clung to me tight like he used to cling to Grandma when some kid was mean to him on the playground. 

“What’s gonna happen to us, Gee? They’re gonna take us back now that she’s gone.” his voice wobbled. I couldn’t really make out the words, but it didn’t matter because I knew what he  _ said.  _

“I don’t know, Mikey. But I won’t let them hurt you.” and then the damning words. “I promise.” 

He just sobbed and clung to me tighter. I squeezed my eyes shut and braced for the crash. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments make my day!! <3


End file.
